In my infinite travels (pun intended), I have seen a lot of things. I have been to the mountain top… and boy is it cold but the food isn’t too bad. So in that I bring to you “Ask Infinite”. I am here to bestow my wisdom that has been cultivated from years of hip hop, Apple Juice and After Midnight Cinemax movies.
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Dear Infinite,
Do you think that there is any significance in dreams? Are they prophetic or jus our subconscious trying to tell us something? Because I have the craziest dreams about being chased by greased baby chickens and Janeane Garofalo. I’m afraid if I placed any importance in them then I’d be looking for secret holes in my bedroom closet and hitting people with headless chickens. Help!

-Stay Dreamin

Dear Stay Dreamin:

Well Stay Dreamin. This is a hard one. Many people have different opinions about the whole dreaming thing. Freudians and the scientific dudes believe it is a way for our subconscious to communicate with us. The Scientologist believe it is from signals from alien space ships (Hey I fed it in a City Paper once…) I feel like they are confusing the whole thing.

See Stay, your dreams are just saying that you have homosexual feelings for Jamie Foxx. I bet you actually found Wanda attractive. I bet you your favorite movie is the Truth about Cats and Dogs. I bet you curtains, carpet, hand towels and pillow cases all match. Its ok. Different strokes for different folks. I often find myself dreaming about Janeane Garofalo and a can a spam. But this isn’t about me.
I hope I cleared that up for you. And oh…that headless chicken stuff…MAN YOU ARE JUST SICK!
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Dear Infinite,

Me and my girlfriend of two weeks have fallen apart. She’s seeing somebody else now. And I’m stuck here in my room, bawling my eyes out. What do I do?

- Lost Soul

Dear Lost Soul:
I suggest you go back to your room and cry some more on your Barbie sheets. Then write her an angry letter on the back of a gun registration application. Make sure in the letter you use a lot of words like “shoot” , “kill” , “stalk” and other words that are used in texas chain saw massacre. Then go to your local open mic and read your letter. Make sure to hound the DJ all night about doing some beats for you. Tell him you want to turn your letter into a song for her. Make sure you cry every time you perform it. The ladies will eat this up. You might even get laid from it.
But you still want get the girl back because you are a crying wuss. Grow some balls.
WUSS!
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Dear Infinite,

Well, I never seem to find a guy that can treat me good. I am 16 but I want a guy who is mature and knows what he wants out of life. Are you single?

-Looking for a real man

Dear Looking:
See that is what is wrong with women. What the hell is this “treat you good” stuff? Do you mean that I don’t steal your purse and run up your credit cards? Do you mean I don’t fuck your girl friend on your sofa while you in bed sick hopped up on thera-flu? Do you mean not giving you Chlamydia from the brazilian hooker I met on vacation at Carnival?
First off it is “Treat you well”. Second you are 16. WHAT THE HELL YOU CARE ABOUT MATURITY? You should be worrying about a math test, your driver’s license, the shoes Beyonce had on last week, etc… not them little tack headed hoodlums running around as men.[ Side Note: Is it me or do all the little dudes running around either look like stunt doubles for Casper the freakly ghost or dudes who didn’t make the cut for the village people?]

My advice to you is to not worry about dudes right now. Get yourself together. Finish school and get a good job. Try not to end up pregnant and on Maury. If you do get on the pole, remember your corn hole is worth more than 5 bucks to put a finger in. Stay away from any young dude who wants to be a rapper especially if his name starts with “lil” or “young” something or other. He more than likely lives with his mom and counts an extra value meal at chik-fil-a as fine eating.
And about my status… I aint R Kelly. I like my ladies like I like my TV screens. Over 25…

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Last 5 posts in Philly Infinite

• Ask Infinite #2 - July 3rd, 2007